I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom - listening to the sound of summer bugs and water lapping at the shoreline down by the dock. You're sleeping next to me (well, you're at least attempting to sleep). This last week has been a bit overwhelming...lots of changes happening - and of course, there's our wedding just two weeks away. We came home to do all the last minute things we can accomplish before the day is here - and in the midst of all the details I found myself forgetting to look at you - really look at you; and listen to you - really listen to you. But it was you these last two days who would put your arm out and catch me, make me stop where I was running to; or from quickly moving on to the next item on the list; and remind me what we are doing all this for. It was you who made me refocus and really see you & me, and take in the space surrounding us...even when there doesn't seem to be any.
When all is said and done...you will be my husband - and I will be your wife. And though nothing much will change after 14 years of you being mine - and me being yours...I do expect a feeling of ease to cover over us - and a sense of family (official family) to bring us comfort, and warmth, and that calm that we're always searching for...that often feels just slightly out of reach.
This I want to remember. Today, at 3pm, the time our guests will be arriving two weeks from now, we sat at a cafe in NJ and allowed ourselves a small break from our meetings and glass/box/plate collecting. We listened to the water rush by the old mill and talked about how cute this little corner of NJ is. We spoke about eating at that same cafe 8 years ago (8 years ago!!). I had moved home that summer after photography school. I was definitely not rich, and you weren't either, but we enjoyed an afternoon in this small town - having lunch, looking at antiques, and taking in the early fall weather. I remember feeling like things were changing - evolving in just the slightest way. Neither one of us knew where life was going to take us - and yet every possibility seemed around the corner. You bought be a vintage winter coat that day - something I certainly couldn't afford for myself. I remember feeling taken care of. A sense of adulthood was beginning to take over as well, but we were still young in many ways. Looking back now, knowing all of the difficult events that were still to come - makes us seem even younger. I'm so glad we have those times to look back on - to see how much we've changed - and to recognize all the ways we're still the same people too.
I want you to always stop me when I'm rushing around...with my eye on what's next to be accomplished. I want, very much, to take in this life we have made together - and will continue to create together. As we've learned, you only get this one go-around - and I'm incredibly lucky to be experiencing my life with you next to me.
Yes...we look tired, but that's just the way we look these days. I want to remember that too.
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